Courage

For some time now, I have been supporting people who want to seize the challenges of today to start a personal transformation process. And recently I also offer this service to organizations.

Because no matter how much the world needs change (increasing inequality, political destabilization, advancing conservatism, consequences of climate change, war and genocide, acidification of our oceans, the decline of our biodiversity, and so on), it seems as if people increasingly want to hold on to what they already know.

Unconsciously

I see this phenomenon all around me. I recently decided to pursue a long-cherished dream and get my motorcycle license. After a year of lessons and three exams (theory, vehicle control and driving skills) it finally happened last month: I got my license!

This fun news triggers a lot of questions:

• Why did you go for your motorcycle license right away?
• How strange, most people get their car license first… What made you choose this way?
• Isn’t that strange, to only drive a motorcycle and not a car?

Norm

These people respond out of curiosity and genuine interest. And the impact of this is relatively small – I now find it funny in some ways. Still, I do notice how often I get these questions. And how often people think and act based on a certain norm. Whether they are aware of it or not.

We only have to look at politics for examples of people who do indeed cause great damage with their behavior. For example, our now resigned prime minister said about the allegations of racism within the cabinet: “We have had an internal meeting about this, and we have come to the conclusion that we are not racists.” Not considering yourself a racist does not mean that you never behave racistly.

The process of introspection, reflecting on your behavior, and then communicating openly about it turns out to be quite a challenge for many of us.

Listening

What often plays a role in this is a fear of doing it wrong. In the book ‘Maar dat begrijp je toch niet’ (You wouldn’t understand), Karim Amghar writes about a former refugee from Syria who often felt lonely at school. And that she got the idea that people actively avoided her. When asked whether this was true, her former teachers and fellow students answered that they were afraid of doing it wrong, or saying the wrong things. Two sides, with good intentions, and yet resulting in alienation.

During my training in Theory U, I learned that there are four levels of listening: downloading, debate, dialogue and generative listening. Downloading is about processing information that is in line with our existing worldview. We often conduct a debate from ego, or to indicate a boundary. In this, people often become their point of view, and every counterargument is seen as a personal attack. In a dialogue, people are able to look beyond the arguments and change perspectives. This is also called empathic listening. And the fourth form of listening involves embracing silence, which allows something new to emerge.

We need all four forms. Yet it seems as if our society is pushing us towards the first and second forms – among other things through the use of (social) media. Entering into a dialogue, exchanging perspectives and listening to each other with empathy is a necessary condition for cooperation and change. And it is, certainly in today’s world, one of the most difficult things there is. Let alone embracing silence on the road to change.

I sincerely believe that we as a society will benefit more if we talk about the norm, if we are also prepared to look at ourselves, our beliefs and our behaviour. And to train ourselves in the different layers of listening. That will not happen automatically. It is uncomfortable, and it costs energy. Yet I believe that in the long term courage will pay off.